a typical office wednesday

front door ---straight to the---> coffee pot.
take my bag to my desk, and roam the office for a few minutes, sipping my mug of mostly creamer.

at the computer, browse tech news, check facebook, change status to something vague and emo.
check myspace (even though i barely use it), rapidly click refresh on the news and facebook pages.

great. now i'm bored.
and i've only wasted 17 minutes.

alright, i'll clean my desk, but ahhh, no i won't, that's too hard, it won't take long anyway, and then i'll be bored again. no, i'll clean it friday.

oh no.
here he comes. i can see his reflection in the open door.
stay calm. put your headphones on so you can ignore him. he's probably just here to loiter.
what's that? you need me to do something on my computer? here, why don't you just... oh, you want me to do it, while you instruct me? ok, that'll be more fun anyway.

if you're going to dictate something for me to type, at least have it ready when you walk in the room. and i appreciate you standing close so i can hear you, but lean back a little. it feels like you're trying to spoon my chair.

here, i insist.
you type it. i'll just get another cup of coffee, and flirt with the girl in the next office. i'll come back later. no really, i don't mind.

ah, you're still here.
at my desk.
no no, take all the time you need.

alright, you left the room for 5 minutes with your project open on my computer.
i'm taking that to mean that you're done.
now to get back to my twitters and facebook status...

oh hi, you're back.
yeah, i thought you were done. clearly that was my mistake.
sure, i'll do the rest for you, let me just close all the im's i know you love to read over my shoulder.

no, the website isn't password protected.
you're sure it is?
well, it's not, because i have the settings right here in front of me, and there's no password.
there you go, wrong website. yeah, it must be your browser. that crazy internet!

what? click where?
sure, i'll keep my mouth shut and not say, "i know" every time you tell me where to click, but please, stop putting your finger on the screen when you point.
you're leaving smudges, and i can't see through your damn hand. do you even see me leaning to see around it? take the hint.

excellent, all done.
dude, how many times are you going to read that thing? it says the same thing as it did when you typed it.

finally. back to work.

did i tell you i can tell who's coming by the sound of their footsteps?

the only exception is the music producer, who i'm convinced walks in front of the sound she makes, since i never hear her until she has already stormed the room.

hey look, just about time for lunch.
put on the kernel panic screensaver and away messages, i'm getting tacos.

i just had an epiphany.

when i'm at the office, i sit at my desk with my earbuds in almost all day.

just this moment, i realized that for a good 75% of the time, i'm not listening to anything at all.
i think it's more than just a habit though. it's an excellent pest deterrent.
i can't tell you how many times i see someone walk in out of the corner of my eye, realize i have my earbuds in, and decide it's not worth their time to get my attention.
hence the positive reinforcement that makes me keep them in.

things i love:
- waking up with time to eat breakfast
- singing in the shower
- the cat that waits for me when i'm in the bathroom
- a house full of people
- drunken jam sessions
- days when time flies at the office, and everything is fun
- friday nights, with a weekend full of possibilities in front of you.

things i loathe:
- sleeping through alarms
- not taking my morning trip to the bathroom before the lady that works at our loft gets there, and then trying to be extra quiet in there, cause i know she can hear everything.
- lack of motivation
- wasted opportunities
- people walking in while i'm making blog entries at work.

today,

i slept through four alarms and went into work an hour late.

no one noticed.

letter to a younger self

hi.
it's me, yourself in eight years.
no, it's not a joke.
yes, you'll build a time machine.
you'll do a lot actually. you'll vote twice, fall in love once and a half, own a bmw, work at a grocery store, go to college, move halfway across america, and hold down the job you don't even know you've always wanted.

i know this must come as quite a shock to you. but before you get all excited and giddy (trust me, you don't grow out of that), know that it all comes at a price...
both presidents suck, the first love turns out to be psycho, you break the second's heart and lose her forever, you'll wreck the beamer, get fired from every grocery store you ever work at, and be kicked out of college.
and you know that move across america? half of the reason you even go is because everything where you are reminds you of her.

things aren't all bad, but i'd be lying if i said you didn't screw me over on countless occasions.
the funny thing is, that you still will.
you'll still do it all, this letter hasn't changed a thing. but somehow, we will learn to live with it.

we learn from our mistakes and move on.
and sometimes, we just learn from our mistakes.

whatever you do, don't complain. you don't deserve to.
you have brought it al upon yourself.

sincerely,
-us

that tuesday

a lot started on tuesday, march ninth, 2004.
i was suspended from high school, and started a blog on the first free site i found. i decided i needed some sort of output while sitting at home all day to keep myself from going mad.

it's still there. i happened across it the other day.
and what a trip it was to read through.

almost like reading about someone else's life. i can hardly relate most of those things to me anymore. i'm not sure how that makes me feel. it's sort of like when someone falls, and you start to laugh, but at the same time, you're like "man that's messed up." and the two emotions collide, cancelling each other out so the expression on your face doesn't change at all.

yeah, it's like that. but maybe it's not.
i got confused halfway through typing that, but kept going.

let me start over with some things i know for sure:
- i miss that site
- i miss the people that read that site
- i miss the high school environment that site makes me think of
- i miss the innocence of coming home from school. sitting on my floor with my back up against my bed, not "blogging" (since i hate how that term has become generalized and uninteresting) but writing for the sake of writing.

it was truly beautiful.

but that was a long time ago, and two things have come to my attention. one i have always known, the other hit me today:

1. we will inevitably be disappointed when trying to recreate an earlier experience. it can't be done.
2. i hate what's happened to my writing. i filter it over and over in my mind. deleting a sentence here, adding something else there. posting what i think i'm supposed to read instead of the pure, unadulterated paragraphs that i used to.

ok, i'm irritated.
i know it's my own fault for blogging at work, but come on dude. this guy keeps walking in my office, and standing there. just standing there.
he doesn't even make a sound until i say, "what?"
it wouldn't be so bad if it was just every once in a while, but it's ALL DAY.
he's not in any way my boss, but he's certainly the type to stand stealthily behind you, reading your ims. so i'm constantly alt-tabbing to gizmodo or some random thing.

i digest.

and this music isn't helping, so i turn it off.
but i leave the earbuds in, because i find less people talk to me that way.

seriously? DUDE. i can see you pacing in the reflection of my office door, debating whether or not to come in here.
there's nothing to see here, move along.

i think i'd be better off going to the bathroom and writing this from my phone.
but then the receptionist would think i'm constipated or something, and i hate rumors.

well, there goes my train of thought. i might as well change the subject.
my hair is so long. like, uncomfortably long.
to the point where i can't keep track of some pieces, and i don't like that.
seems like a simple solution, right? no no, foolish one.
i suppose i could google "haircut," and i'd get some greatclips locations, a couple quickcuts, and an ad for sweeny todd. then i'd have to find which one is near me, and either pray they're open late, or make plans to go before work, which i'd never do. on the off chance i managed to make myself leave on time, i'd be itchy all day, because you KNOW those people don't clean you properly.
that leaves me with doing it myself, which i usually do, cause it's awesome.
the battery in my clippers is dead, i don't know where the charger is, and forget scissors.

i'm to the point now of just trying to love what i have.
not a bad strategy, even beyond hair.

Wait, what?